Innocence.

One thing that I am constantly thinking about is growing up. How tough it is. How hard it is to work through the heart breaks. How somewhat terrifying living on your own is. How learning about the world and seeing things from a different perspective is weird and uncomfortable.

Then I think about how, hardly even a year ago, I was so excited to grow up. So excited to get out of the house. So excited to figure things out on my own. So excited to fall in love. It’s funny how things can change in such a short amount of time.

A lot of people have been posting this video on Facebook and I finally sat down and watched it today. And I just cried and cried and cried.

I’ve been having the toughest couple of weeks here at BYU and today I finally broke down. This past week has been especially hard for me. I just feel like I’ve screwed up a lot over the past month or so. And I’ve been trying to kind of cover it all up and pretend it’s ok, but I know deep down that it’s not. And today I finally lost it over my medication. I’m taking some pills for a vaccination that I need to go out of country with Legends. But I screwed up and not only ate a good 5 minutes before I took the medication, but I also ate a lot right after I took the medication too. And I called my mom so frustrated because I don’t feel like I can do anything right. I couldn’t even manage to remember to take my pill yesterday and when I take it today, I screw up such simple instructions. And my mom was reassuring (of course) and helped me out a little bit. And one thing that she said was “I don’t know what you’re going through right now, and I don’t think I could ever understand what you’re going through right now. But you know who can? God. He is there to help you in all things and he is the only person who knows exactly what you’re going through.” That was exactly what I needed to hear. So I finally got out of bed and started my day.

That’s when I ran in to this video and finally watched it. And it made me miss my optimism. My child-like wonder and view of the world. Of how things can be. And halfway through this video I was reminded of a scripture. I can’t quote it word for word, or even reference it to you, but it talks about how we need to come unto Christ and be humble and submissive like a Child.

That’s my goal for this week. That is what I’m going to work on. Trying to gain the optimism back. Gaining that confidence back. And gaining that relationship with Christ back.

One hour ago, I was not Shanoah. These past three weeks I have not been Shanoah. But now, I am working on being me again. Being happy, being loud, being goofy, and enjoying life. I know that I’ve dug myself into a pretty deep hole and that it’s going to be hard to climb out, but I know that I can do it. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

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