Change.

As part of starting this blog, I promised myself that there would be no posts about negative things. That all I would ever post about is the positive happenings of my life. While this post is going to talk about some of the negatives, it has an uplifting ending, so bare with me.

Ever since I’ve moved back to New Mexico, life seems to be going either stagnant, if not a downward slope. Don’t get me wrong, I love being back home; I got a job that I’m beyond blessed to have, I get to see my family every day instead of maybe once every 3 months, and I’m dancing again. But I don’t get out of the house, I haven’t reconnected with almost any of my high school friends, and honestly, I feel like I’m losing my connections with my college friends. And it’s been really hard. 

I have a really hard time with change. As a creature of habit, change is not something I look forward to. I do not embrace it with an open heart. Instead, I cold shoulder it, ignore it, and try and stick to my habitual tendencies. Going to BYU was a serious struggle for me for a while because of that change. Because I felt left behind in everyone at home’s lives. Because I felt like everyone had it figured out but me. Because I was in a totally different setting without my comfort bubble of friends and family around me. But then, without me knowing it, I learned to embrace that change and seriously loved being at BYU. Six months ago, I couldn’t stop crying about how much I would rather be at home than at BYU, but one month ago when I was on my way to the airport to move home, I cried because I would rather be at BYU than heading home. I knew the ultimate devastation of change was on the horizon and quickly heading my way.

And let me tell you, I was not wrong. I cried every day for about two weeks after coming home. Then it got better, then it went back to that. It got better for a while, almost two weeks, and now it’s back to that same sadness. I’ve come to realize that nothing is ever going to be the same as it was during my first year at BYU. Those were literally the glory days. And I know that it’s going to be different when I go back. That doesn’t mean that it’ll be bad, it’ll be a good different, but different nonetheless. 

Last night, I had a pity party for one. It kinda came crashing down on me how much has already changed and how much is going to change. I hardly talk to any of my friends from high school, I spend all my time off at home on the computer refreshing my Tumblr and praying that someone else is on and blogging like crazy, I look at my friends pictures as they are off on adventures in different parts of the country or the world, and I even just look around and see that my closest relationships have changed. I cried and cried. I just want things to be the same. I want things to be the same as they were in high school and I want them to be the same as they were in college. But as I learned from Bridesmaids “people change all the time.” Whether I want things to or not, things and people change.

While I was winding down my pity party, I got on the internet to catch up on my blogs. I was reading my friend Jayne’s blog. And she talked about how she isn’t the biggest fan of change either, she loves traditions and is often referred to as the “Tradition Nazi.” I automatically related to her post, because I’m the same. But then she talked about how she’s come to embrace the change. The change in her relationships, the change in her life with Christ, and her change in perspective. 

You know how people say that sometimes they’ll just flip to a random page in the scriptures and read and how it’ll be exactly what they needed to hear? That’s kind of how I felt in that moment. That what Jayne had to say about change is exactly what I needed to hear. I made a new pact for myself that I would try to embrace that change that is headed at me and that will come at all times, in all things, and in all places. 

I made some goals for embracing this change with arms wide open and wrote them down in my journal last night and I want to share some of them with you.

  • I’m going to make new friends and rekindle the friendships with the old friends.
  • I’m going to reconnect and keep in touch with my friends that I made at BYU.
  • And most of all, I’m going to stop trying to control my life and just let it all go; go with the flow.
  • I’m also going to dive headfirst into my relationship with Christ. 

That last one is the most important to me. Because I know that as long as I put my all into Christ and truly focus on Him and His plan for me, everything will work out.

God is the author of my story and it’s time for me to hand over the pen.

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